Found In The Lost
by Alana Haseen
Summary: Ok so my rating is a little high but I would prefer to be safer with high ratings instead of low ones so little itty bitty kids can read about Duo dieing. Duo's dead and reflecting. RR if ya want. Have fun


Title: Found in the Lost   
  
Disclaimer: Ironically the person who I called Howard ended up ignoring me the next day, after I wrote this (I dont think he read it but Shh.) so I was tempted to not post this at all...But then I liked my last two paragraphs so I decided to still post it. My grammer is bad my spelling is bad, sorry but I didnt have anyone to correct it so...Have fun!.   
  
Summery: Uh. Duo is dead. Reflecting on life...Or death. Uh he is...Well he is a depressing spirit...Ok my summery is bad. Sorry I am tired. Review if ya want.   
  
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Found In The Lost   
  
~Alana Haseen   
  
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There is something about sleep that makes me want to avoid it. Whether it is the fact that guilt tends to build up more and more as each dream melds into another or maybe it is the fact that I always see the faces of the people I've disappointed or killed, but either way sleep and me dont get along. I guess I've just started becoming an owl, ya know sleep during the day and fly around yelling "who who who" at night, cept I dont sleep durin the day and dont shout when I'm flyin. 'Least not unless someone attacks me.   
  
'Scythe has become my best friend...Actually I should rephrase that whole sentence, 'Scythe WAS my best friend. I used to be able to spend hours sitting there talking at him while he listened to my rantings about what the world was comin to and why I was fightin in the first place. Hell, he was the first person I felt I could trust with my past. Something that I tried to keep as that, past. Anyway, he was there and in battle when I needed him and there at night when I needed him. So many nights I remember curling up in his cockpit and talking until dawn, when the sun rose and color once again hit the world. He was my only friend in a war of never-ending battles for survival, something I could turn to when the going got rough.   
  
Then I met the other pilots, the other Gundams, the other soldiers whose fate was as bleak as that of my own. I began to be a part of a gang again, a group that I was proud to be a part of, they were soldiers just as much as I and probably so much more. Each one tore a little at the fact that I, myself, had been years from friendship, that I had become a raving lunatic who talked to inanimate objects. Talking with 'Scythe became less frequent and I began to show my true colors to the people that tore at my emotions, the emotions that were real not those fake ones that everyone is so used to seeing.   
  
'Scythe no longer was my crutch when I needed him and I started to lean on the other soldiers, though I still didnt know them as much as I should have I still trusted them. So I showed them who I was, a suicidal child afraid and alone waiting for orders or directions on how to live his own life. It was the summer season and I was afraid, tired of being the same old thing, an insane acting child. I did a childish thing, took my blades and cut myself. 5 cuts on my upper right arm, 11 on the lower part of my arm and various other cuttings on my legs. Well, we can say that I caught them all by surprise, but then that would be an understatement. They were entirely unprepared for what I did and frankly I think I flipped them out. They had expected an emotionally and mentally stable person that piloted one of the damn coolest Gundams, at least in my opinion he is the coolest but lets get back shall we? They wanted someone who knew how to live for themself, how to fight for themself, how to not screw themself up...I couldn't do it.   
  
I knew at the time that I, first of all, shouldn't have done it, but second of all, should have actually tried to hide it, but in a way I guess I wanted to be found. I wanted it to end, but the pain had become an addiction and I knew I couldn't end it alone. I knew I needed them, or would need their help and when the time came they would help me. BUt, that's the thing about pilots, they need things fixed now, they want things fixed now or else they will just give up. When they tried to help me I didnt need it, I knew I didnt need it because I hadn't fully lost it yet. I still had 'Scythe to turn to so of course I didnt lose it yet. But they ended up giving up on me because they thought that I had broken fully, I hadn't but I knew I would. No, but they chose the BEST time to give up on me, they gave up RIGHT when I needed them the most, right after 'Scythe was destroyed.   
  
The only other thing I had to turn to was destroyed and the people I left him for and now they gave up on helping me. Even Howard became worried about me and he has always been more of the type to sit there and let life happen all around him. He gave me advice before I was forced to give up my only other friend in the world, he knew that 'Scythes destruction would mean my break in mentality.   
  
"...Don't let your past, or anything else be all that you dwell on or you won't live to see the next sunrise. Just remember all of the good times you've had with the people you care about...and all the good times you can still have with them."   
  
For some reason Howard knew how close I was to then end better then the other pilots. And if they did know then they just didnt care because the didn't see how much I needed it. They told me they gave up and left it at that, if they did know and they didn't see, then what's the point of stickin round? Anyway, so yeah Howard actually wasn't around much 'cuz he had work in other places, always on the move so frankly it was rare being able to talk to him.   
  
Least thats how I saw it.   
  
My bad past habits came back. Drinking, alcohol, anonymous sex, all of it came one after the other. I didn't WANT them to come back but I needed something to run to and that became it, that became who I was.   
  
Until the end came.   
  
It was all just a little mistake.   
  
I accidently went too far, a little flick of the wrist and blood was rushing out. It hurt after the fact but as I cut it felt good. It felt relieving. The sight of blood was the last thing I say...Ironic that it was also the first thing I remember seeing when I was younger.   
  
Irony is so fun.   
  
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End Note thingy: Review if ya wanna but if you've read any of my work you will find that I dont typically push you to review. Though they are cool cuz they fill my e-mail box with mail. Lol. Yeah so I'd like to thank the person who I called Howard even if he did ignor me the day after I talked to him. Oh and I would like everyone to know I am still working on those two other stories I keep getting reviews about but this and the other one I am doing right now are a little break from writing. I hope to get the next part to each of those stories done by the end of this week and posted by the end of next. 


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